A suicide bomber storms into a pet shop and declares, you have thirty seconds to leave before I blow this whole place up!"

Tortoise at the back of the shop, "you bastard..."

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven!

what is the different between a bucket of crap and jonas brothers?

answer: the bucket.

BAM!STOLEN:D

What do you call an American drawing?
A: Yankee Doodle

two muffins are in an oven
the first muffin turns to the other one and says "is it just me or is it hot in here"
the second muffin then turns and says "holy shit a talking muffin"

A scientist examines a frog, cut him a leg and said:
- Jump!
And the frog jumped.
The scientist cut off his second leg and said:
- Jump!
And the frog jumped.
The scientist cut off his third leg and asked him to jump
And the frog jumped,
Then he cut his last legs and said:
- Jump!
But the frog does not take off this time.

Moral of the story: when we cut four legs of a frog, it becomes deaf!

i had a sick metal slammer with a holographic skull on it. whenever i go to a job interview and they ask for my credentials i blast the persons desk materials with Skeletor and say something like

"You hiring me or do i need to do that again?"

I was jumping rope without a rope at the gym because I couldn't find anyone who wanted to swing the rope for me while singing a song.

So, an old guy on a stair-master says "why don't you get a real rope?"

I reply to him "why don't you climb real stairs?"

Diet instructions

As much as you want:

From 9-12 you can eat asparagus, as much as you want. You can just eat eat as much as you want.

Then from 12-7 you drink water, as much as you want.
You can just drink drink, as much as you want

Then from 7 to whenever you go to bed you cry

You just cry cry as much as you want, cuz ur starving. Your really hungry and your gonna want to cry, as much as you want

Yo momma so ugly when u put her in dough u make gorilla biscuits